15 Hilarious Bigfoot Jokes & Dad Puns That Even Sasquatch Can’t Hide From

Hunting for Bigfoot in the dense wilderness of North America is a serious undertaking. Cryptozoologists bring thermal imaging scopes, audio recorders, and plaster casting kits. But if you actually run into an eight-foot-tall Sasquatch in the Pacific Northwest—or hanging out on a beach in Southern California—standard equipment won't help you.

You only need one thing: a terrible dad joke.

Whether you're sitting around a campfire, looking for clean humor for kids, or just appreciate a groan-worthy pun, here is our definitive collection of the best Bigfoot jokes and Sasquatch one-liners.

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The Best Bigfoot Jokes and Sasquatch Puns

1. How does Bigfoot tell time in the wilderness?
   He checks his Sasq-watch.
2. What did Bigfoot do at the gym?
   Heavy sets of Sas-squats.
3. What kind of vehicle does Sasquatch drive when his car breaks down?
   A toe-truck.
4. Why does Bigfoot hate getting his photo taken in the woods?
   He's naturally blurry—it's a medical condition.
5. What is Bigfoot’s favorite breakfast pastry?
   Warm, buttered toe-st.
6. Why did Bigfoot cross the road?
   To prove to the chicken that he actually exists.
7. What do you call a Bigfoot shredding heavy metal guitar on a snowy peak?
   Yeti Van Halen.
8. Why is Sasquatch undefeated in hide-and-seek since 1958?
   Because good luck finding someone whose shoes are size 47 and lives off-grid.
9. What does Bigfoot order at an Italian restaurant?
   A big bowl of spaghetti and sas-balls.
10. Why did the police pull over Bigfoot on the highway?
    He was exceeding the foot-per-second speed limit.
11. What’s the difference between Bigfoot and an honest politician?
    People have actually found footprints for Bigfoot.
12. What did Bigfoot say when the Abominable Snowman invited him out for ice cream?
    "Not Yeti."
13. Why doesn't Bigfoot ever wear flip-flops?
    Do you know how hard it is to find arch support for a yard-long sole?
14. Why was Bigfoot banned from the office campfire story contest?
    His jokes were just too grueling to handle.
15. How do you know Bigfoot is a true original?
    He never leaves carbon copies—just footprints.

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Watch Bigfoot & Jiggley Wiggley Tell These Live!

Reading jokes off a screen is one thing, but hearing an eight-foot woodland legend argue punchlines with an eccentric felt puppet on a beach towel is an entirely different experience.

Over on our official YouTube channel, Jiggley Wiggley teams up with Bigfoot to test these exact jokes in real life. Check out the latest skit below:

Want More Puppet Shenanigans & Cryptid Comedy?

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▶ Subscribe to @jiggleywiggley on YouTube

Got a Sasquatch joke that belongs on this list? Leave a comment below or tag us on YouTube, and Jiggley might just tell it in an upcoming video!

Jiggley Wiggley has been getting himself into trouble for years. Now he has apparently gotten himself onto a T-shirt.

Jiggley Wiggley and the Jiggley O's T-Shirt

There are many things one might reasonably expect to find Jiggley Wiggley doing. Wandering into an adventure? Certainly. Getting distracted by something completely unrelated to the adventure? Almost certainly. Becoming involved in a situation that nobody could have predicted? Practically guaranteed.

But appearing on a cereal box and then appearing on a T-shirt? Well, that was less predictable.

Meet Jiggley O's

Jiggley O's are the sort of cereal that seems as though it ought to have existed somewhere, sometime, perhaps in a grocery store that only appears between the hours of 3:17 and 3:19 in the morning.

Naturally, Jiggley Wiggley has taken an interest.

The result is the Jiggley O's T-shirt, a colorful novelty graphic tee featuring Jiggley Wiggley enjoying a bowl of Jiggley O's. It is bright, ridiculous, cheerful, and just strange enough to make somebody stop and look twice.

See the Jiggley O's T-shirt on Amazon

What kind of T-shirt is it?

It is, first and foremost, a funny graphic T-shirt. More specifically, it is a cereal-themed novelty shirt for people who enjoy unusual characters, absurd humor, colorful graphics, and shirts that are likely to result in somebody asking, "What exactly is that?"

It is also a retro-inspired graphic tee, although Jiggley would probably object to the word "retro." He has never been particularly interested in the past, mostly because he is usually too busy wondering what is happening right now.

The shirt is made from a lightweight tri-blend fabric: 50% polyester, 25% cotton, and 25% rayon. It has a classic crew-neck construction and is available in men's and women's fit options, with multiple colors and sizes. It is printed in the USA on imported materials.

Why would anyone want a weird cereal T-shirt?

This is an excellent question, and one Jiggley Wiggley has declined to answer.

We can, however, speculate.

Maybe you like weird T-shirts. Maybe you collect funny graphic tees. Maybe you enjoy absurd humor and colorful characters. Maybe you need an unusual gift for someone who already owns approximately every normal shirt ever manufactured.

Or perhaps you simply believe that the world needs more pictures of strange green creatures eating fictional cereal.

Jiggley Wiggley would support that decision.

A novelty shirt, a conversation starter, or both?

The best novelty shirts tend to have something going on beyond a few words printed across the chest. The Jiggley O's design is deliberately busy: cereal imagery, bright colors, a large character, exaggerated typography, and a joke that becomes more apparent the longer you look at it.

That makes it the sort of conversation-starting graphic tee that can work at a casual gathering, a party, a trip to the grocery store, or anywhere else that shirts are generally permitted.

Who might enjoy a Jiggley Wiggley shirt?

• People who like unusual or weird graphic T-shirts
• Fans of absurd and offbeat humor
• People who enjoy colorful character designs
• Collectors of novelty shirts
• People looking for funny or quirky gifts
• Anyone who thinks fictional cereal deserves its own T-shirt
• Anyone who has ever looked at a normal shirt and thought, "No. Stranger."

Is Jiggley Wiggley a real person?

No. Jiggley Wiggley is a fictional character who has appeared in stories and other assorted nonsense here at Gruelings.

He has encountered leprechauns, snow, aliens, summer boredom, unexpected visitors, and a variety of other problems that probably could have been avoided with a little planning.

Planning, however, has never been Jiggley's strongest quality.

Where can I buy the Jiggley O's T-shirt?

The Jiggley O's T-shirt is currently available through Amazon. The Amazon listing has the current sizes, colors, pricing, availability, shipping information, and customer reviews.

Shop the Jiggley O's T-shirt

And what happens next?

That is difficult to say.

Jiggley Wiggley has never been especially good at staying in one place. Today he is eating Jiggley O's. Tomorrow he may be fighting a dragon, investigating an extraterrestrial transmission, attempting to melt snow, or discovering some entirely new problem that did not previously exist.

There may be more Jiggley Wiggley shirts in the future. There may be other Jiggley Wiggley merchandise. There may even be more stories.

Frankly, we wouldn't count on Jiggley behaving himself.

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Jiggley Wiggley is a fictional character appearing in the stories and creative work published on Gruelings. Product availability, pricing, colors, sizes, and shipping information may change; see the Amazon listing for current retail details.

Egbert and the Bunny have adventures!

 

Once upon a time, nestled snugly in a bustling farmyard, there lived a most peculiar egg named Egbert. Now, Egbert wasn't your ordinary egg; he possessed an insatiable curiosity and an adventurous spirit that bubbled within him, quite literally.

One crisp morning, as the sun painted the sky with hues of pink and gold, Egbert felt an irresistible urge to explore beyond the confines of his cozy nest. With a determined wiggle and a gentle nudge, he rolled out of his straw bed and ventured into the wide world.

As Egbert hopped and skipped through the fields, his yolky heart danced with excitement. He encountered a curios rabbit named Rufus, who took an instant liking to the plucky egg. Rufus told him that he was on vacation and would go on an adventure with him. Together, they embarked on a grand journey, filled with laughter, danger, and unexpected twists.

Their first stop was the forbidden forest, where towering trees whispered secrets in the breeze. Egbert and Rufus tiptoed through the shadows, their senses tingling with anticipation. Suddenly, they stumbled upon a clearing where a band of rascally foxes was plotting mischief upon a neighboring farm. With quick thinking and a sprinkle of charm, Egbert convinced the foxes to abandon their wicked ways and join in a game of egg rolling instead.

Next, they ventured into the heart of the bustling city, where people scrambled about and scurried all day. Egbert marveled at the sights and sounds, his shell nearly bursting with delight. But their joyous jaunt took an unexpected turn when they stumbled upon a cunning old man who had his eye on Egbert for his next omelet.

With Rufus by his side, Egbert outwitted the hungry old codger with a daring escape, darting through the alleys and running through yards until they were safely out of reach. Along the way, they encountered a wise old guard dog name Oliver, who shared tales of distant lands and undiscovered treasures, igniting Egbert's imagination with dreams of far-off adventures yet to come.

As the sun dipped below the horizon and the stars twinkled overhead, Egbert bid farewell to Rufus the bunny and returned to the farmyard, his heart brimming with tales of his daring escapades. And though Egbert's shell bore a few cracks and scratches from his journey, his spirit remained unbroken, forever hungry for the next great adventure that awaited him beyond the farmyard gates.

Chatgpting a leprechaun

One day, Jiggley Wiggley woke up to find that it was Saint Patrick's Day. He had heard tales of leprechauns who would grant wishes to anyone who could catch them, and he decided that he wanted to find one.

Excitedly, Jiggley Wiggley set out on his quest. He skipped through fields of clover, danced with the birds, and chatted with the trees. Along the way, he met all sorts of creatures, from friendly fairies to grumpy goblins. But no matter who he met, Jiggley Wiggley remained determined to find a leprechaun.

As the sun began to set, Jiggley Wiggley came to a clearing in the woods. In the center of the clearing was a small, shimmering pool. Jiggley Wiggley approached the pool cautiously, wondering if it held any clues to finding a leprechaun.

Suddenly, a tiny figure appeared from behind a nearby bush. It was a leprechaun, and he was holding a pot of gold!

Jiggley Wiggley's eyes grew wide with excitement. He knew that catching the leprechaun would be a difficult task, but he was determined to try.

The leprechaun chuckled and said, "You'll never catch me, Jiggley Wiggley! I'm too fast for you."

But Jiggley Wiggley was not deterred. He chased the leprechaun around the pool, jumping and dancing and twisting his body in all sorts of ways. And finally, after what seemed like hours, he managed to catch the leprechaun by the tail.

The leprechaun was surprised and impressed. "Well done, Jiggley Wiggley!" he said. "You've caught me fair and square. What's your wish?"

Jiggley Wiggley thought for a moment. He had been so focused on catching the leprechaun that he hadn't really thought about what he wanted. But then he realized that he didn't need anything specific. He was just happy to have had an adventure and to have made a new friend.

"I don't need anything," Jiggley Wiggley said. "I'm just happy to have caught you and to have had this adventure."

The leprechaun smiled. "That's the best wish of all," he said. And with that, he disappeared in a puff of green smoke.

Jiggley Wiggley skipped back home, feeling happy and content. He knew that he would never forget his Saint Patrick's Day adventure, and he looked forward to many more adventures to come.

No More Birds

 

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there was a mighty dragon named Drakon. He was a massive creature with shimmering green scales, razor-sharp claws, and fiery breath that could melt even the strongest steel. Drakon lived in a cave high up in the mountains, where he slept for most of the day, only waking up at night to hunt for food.

One day, Drakon woke up feeling unusually hungry. He had not eaten in days, and his stomach rumbled with hunger. So, he flew out of his cave and into the world, in search of food. As he flew over fields and forests, he spotted a farm with a large flock of chickens.

Without a second thought, Drakon swooped down and snatched a chicken from the farm. He devoured it in one gulp and found it to be the most delicious thing he had ever tasted. The taste of fresh chicken awakened a hunger in Drakon that he had never felt before. So, he went back to the farm and ate all the chickens there.

Feeling satisfied, Drakon took off again, flying across the world in search of more chickens to eat. He descended upon villages and towns, consuming every chicken he could find. Soon, news of the hungry dragon that ate all the chickens in the world spread far and wide.

People were scared and outraged, as they depended on chickens for their livelihood. They tried to protect their chickens by building high walls and setting traps, but Drakon was too powerful. He destroyed everything that came in his way, and continued to eat every chicken he could find.

Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months, and soon, there were no more chickens left in the world. Drakon had eaten them all. But as the days went by, Drakon started to feel sick. His stomach hurt, and he could barely move. He realized that he had consumed too much chicken and that it was making him sick.

Drakon regretted his actions, as he had caused so much destruction and harm. He flew back to his cave, where he rested and slept for days. When he finally woke up, he had recovered and decided to make amends for his actions.

Drakon flew back to the farms and villages he had destroyed, but there was nothing left. The land was barren and silent, with no animals or people to be seen. The people had left in search of new lands where they could rebuild their homes and start anew.

Drakon realized that he had made a grave mistake. He had not only destroyed the livelihoods of the people but also wiped out an entire species. The chickens were gone forever, and it was all his fault. Drakon felt a deep sense of sadness and despair. He had caused so much pain and suffering that he could never make amends for it.

And so, Drakon flew back to his cave, where he spent the rest of his days in solitude, haunted by the memories of the chickens he had devoured and the destruction he had caused. He never ventured out of his cave again, and the world forgot about him, as it moved on and tried to rebuild from the devastation he had caused.

Pook and Sparkle in Glitterland

 

Once upon a time, in a magical kingdom called Glitterland, gift giving was a grand event celebrated every year with great pomp and show. The people of Glitterland would exchange gifts to express their love and gratitude towards one another.

One year, a mischievous imp named Pook decided to have some fun. Pook had the magical ability to change the shape of objects and had a habit of playing pranks on the people of Glitterland.

On the day of gift giving, Pook snuck into the palace of King Sparkle and stole the king's magic wand. The king's wand was famous for granting the person who held it unlimited wishes.

Pook then used the wand to turn all the gifts into ridiculous shapes, making it impossible for the recipients to use them. A dagger became a rubber chicken, a pair of shoes transformed into a bag of jellybeans, and a beautiful necklace turned into a bunch of bananas!

The people of Glitterland were stunned. No one knew what had happened, and everyone was left feeling quite confused and frustrated.

King Sparkle was beside himself with anger. He called forth the greatest wizards of the kingdom to help him find the culprit and retrieve his wand.

Pook, however, was having the time of his life. He laughed and giggled as he watched the chaos unfold.

The wizards soon discovered Pook's mischievous ways and confronted him. Pook, being the cheeky imp that he was, offered to change all the gifts back to their original form if King Sparkle granted him one wish.

King Sparkle, not wanting to waste any more time, agreed. Pook then wished for a lifetime supply of ice cream, and with a wave of the wand, all the gifts were transformed back to their original state.

The people of Glitterland were overjoyed, and King Sparkle was relieved that the gift-giving tradition was saved. From that day on, Pook was known as the ice cream imp and was welcomed back into the kingdom with open arms.

And as for King Sparkle, he learned a valuable lesson to always keep his wand in a safer place!

 

***

 

A few years had passed since the incident with Pook and the King's wand, and the kingdom of Glitterland was once again thrown into chaos. A powerful sorceress named Zara had taken over the neighboring kingdom and was now threatening to conquer Glitterland.

King Sparkle knew that he had to act quickly to protect his people, but he was not sure how to defeat the sorceress. That's when he remembered Pook, the imp who had saved the gift-giving tradition.

King Sparkle summoned Pook to the palace and explained the situation. Pook, being the adventurous imp that he was, agreed to help.

Together, Pook and King Sparkle set out on a quest to retrieve a magical crystal that was said to have the power to defeat Zara. The crystal was guarded by a fierce dragon deep within a dark and treacherous cave.

As they approached the cave, Pook used his shape-shifting abilities to turn King Sparkle into a fierce warrior and himself into a brave knight. They entered the cave and were met by the dragon, who breathed fire and roared with rage.

King Sparkle and Pook fought valiantly, using their wits and bravery to defeat the dragon and retrieve the crystal. They emerged from the cave triumphant, and King Sparkle returned to his normal form.

They made their way back to the kingdom, where they confronted Zara and used the crystal to defeat her. The people of Glitterland rejoiced, and King Sparkle was hailed as a hero.

Pook, who had once been known as the mischievous imp, was now known as the brave knight who had helped save the kingdom. King Sparkle offered to grant him a wish, but Pook simply asked for a lifetime supply of ice cream and a small corner in the palace where he could play pranks in peace.

And so, the kingdom of Glitterland lived in peace and harmony once again, with King Sparkle and Pook as the unlikely heroes who had saved the day.

 

***

 

One day, a mysterious stranger appeared in Glitterland and introduced himself as "Tech Wizard." He brought with him a strange and wondrous invention called "technology," which he claimed would revolutionize the way the kingdom worked.

King Sparkle was skeptical at first, but Pook, being the curious imp that he was, was eager to try it out. Tech Wizard demonstrated the technology by showing the king and Pook a magical box that could show moving pictures and play music.

King Sparkle was amazed, but Pook was less impressed. He thought the technology was a bit boring and lacking in the mischief department. So, he decided to add his own touch to it.

Pook used his shape-shifting abilities to turn the technology into absurd and ridiculous contraptions. The magical box that showed moving pictures now showed pictures of dancing chickens and flying fish, and the music player now played strange and quirky tunes.

Tech Wizard was not pleased, and he demanded that Pook stop messing with the technology. But King Sparkle found the alterations to be quite amusing and offered to pay Pook to continue his work.

So, Pook set out to bring his mischievous touch to every piece of technology that entered Glitterland. He transformed phones into flutes, computers into cookie makers, and cars into carousels.

The people of Glitterland loved Pook's creations, and technology was suddenly the talk of the kingdom. Tech Wizard, who had initially been frustrated with Pook's antics, now saw the value in adding a bit of humor to technology.

And so, Pook and Tech Wizard went into business together, bringing laughter and joy to the people of Glitterland through the power of technology. King Sparkle was pleased to see that his kingdom was thriving, and he continued to support Pook and Tech Wizard in their endeavors.

From that day on, Glitterland was known as the kingdom where technology was not only practical but also playful, thanks to the mischievous imp named Pook and the Tech Wizard.

 

 

A tale as old as slime

 

Once upon a time, in a world not too far away,
There lived a slimy green creature made from household clay.
It was created from soap and glue, from dishes and from strings,
And it had a most curious heart that yearned for great adventures and things.

So the slime creature set off, out into the world so wide,
To explore and discover, and to be tested with pride.
It traveled far and wide, encountering troubles and strife,
But with each challenge, it grew stronger, as it pushed through its life.

Like Odysseus, it braved the sea, with its creatures so wild,
And like Hercules, it performed tasks that were both bold and mild.
It battled fierce beasts and dragons, and saved cities in peril,
And it became known throughout the land, as the hero of the barrel.

But as the slime creature traveled, it began to realize,
That despite all its adventures, it was not truly alive.
It longed for the comfort of home, and the love that it once knew,
And it began its journey back, with a heart that was anew.

And when it finally returned, to its home in the house,
It was greeted with open arms, by the creatures it loved about.
It learned that true happiness, was not found in far-off lands,
But was always there at home, with its friends and its bands.

So the slime creature settled down, and lived a contented life,
With its friends by its side, and its adventures and strife.
And it learned that the greatest adventure, was finding happiness at home,
With the creatures it loved, in the place that it had grown.

Constantly Gambling, Potentially Treacherous

 

AI Prompt: Write a television show style theme song about a fun-loving monster named Jiggley Wiggley.

 

Verse 1: Jiggley Wiggley, Jiggley Wiggley, Fun-loving monster, oh so jiggley, He's got a wiggle, he's got a squirm, Jiggley Wiggley, he'll make you squirm.

Chorus: Jiggley Wiggley, Jiggley Wiggley, He's a monster, but he's oh so silly, He'll make you laugh, and he'll make you smile, Jiggley Wiggley, all the while.

Verse 2: He's got googly eyes, and a fluffy tail, Jiggley Wiggley, he'll never fail, To make you happy, to make you grin, Jiggley Wiggley, monster fun within.

Chorus: Jiggley Wiggley, Jiggley Wiggley, He's a monster, but he's oh so silly, He'll make you laugh, and he'll make you smile, Jiggley Wiggley, all the while.

Bridge: He loves to dance, and he loves to sing, Jiggley Wiggley, he'll do anything, To make you happy, to make you cheer, Jiggley Wiggley, always here.

Outro: Jiggley Wiggley, Jiggley Wiggley, Fun-loving monster, oh so jiggley, Watch him wiggle, watch him squirm, Jiggley Wiggley, the monster firm.

Note: This is a fictional theme song, you may need to work with professional songwriters and composers for the TV show theme song.

Editor's note: I think it may need some work.

Evil AI writes a story about Baby New Year

Once upon a time, in a world filled with love and magic, a new year was born. The baby new year was a special little one, for it was his job to bring joy and happiness to all the people of the world.

The baby new year was born on New Year's Eve, just as the old year was ending. He was a tiny, wriggling bundle of joy, with bright, twinkling eyes and a smile that could light up a room. Everyone who saw him was filled with love and happiness, for they knew that the baby new year was a symbol of hope and renewal.

As the baby new year grew, he learned all about the world around him. He listened to the stories of the old years, and he learned about all the different cultures and traditions that people around the world celebrated. He discovered that every culture had its own way of marking the passing of time, and he knew that it was his job to bring joy and happiness to each and every one of them.

As the baby new year grew older, he traveled the world, spreading joy and happiness wherever he went. He visited far-off lands and met people from all walks of life. And wherever he went, he brought hope and joy to those who needed it most.

Eventually, the baby new year grew into a young man, and he knew that it was time for him to take on his role as the guardian of the new year. He stood tall and strong, ready to face whatever challenges lay ahead. And as he watched the old year fade away and the new year dawn, he knew that he had a special purpose in life - to bring happiness and hope to all the people of the world.

The baby new year lived a long and happy life, spreading joy and happiness wherever he went. And even when he was gone, his legacy lived on, as each new year brought with it a renewed sense of hope and possibility. The end

The Evil AI Created Krampus Story

It was the night before Christmas, and all through the town, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. But one house was different, as a dark figure lurked outside. It was Krampus, the fearsome creature of the night.

Krampus had come to visit the children of the town, to see who had been naughty and who had been nice. He peered through the windows, searching for any sign of misbehaviour.

As he made his way down the street, he saw a group of children huddled together, whispering secrets and plotting mischief. Krampus knew he had found his first targets.

He burst through the door, his horns gleaming in the moonlight. The children froze in terror as Krampus roared, "Who has been naughty this year?"

One brave little girl stepped forward and confessed to all the pranks and mischief she had gotten up to. Krampus nodded in approval and presented her with a small gift, a token of his appreciation for her honesty.

But the other children tried to hide their misdeeds, claiming they had been good all year. Krampus saw through their lies and punished them accordingly, leaving coal in their stockings and switches under the tree.

As the night drew to a close, Krampus returned to the shadows, leaving the children to ponder their actions and learn from their mistakes. And in the morning, when Saint Nicholas arrived with his bags of toys, the children were all on their best behaviour, knowing that Krampus was always watching.

Shoved where it don't belong

Sometimes you want to shove a chapter into a book. Put words were they don't belong. Interrupting a story that was probably moving along smoothly. Why you wanted to ruin everything for no apparent reason you cannot explain. It is thrilling nonetheless. Or moreso, because it doesn't make sense. A carefully crafted narrative broken up by nonsense, a non sequitar of biblical proportions with total disregard for the reader's time and emotional investment. You may even explain that it provides a sort of metaphor for life - the day to day business we think of as so scripted, planned, and executed is in reality a series of tasks that is frequently bombarded by attempts to derail us that are so random they would not be believed if presented in a fictional tale. Thus, we have the answer for this meandering diatribe in our story. At least we have a reason for its existence, though we may not have a reason for our own. If that were all there was then this would end here and we would return to wherever in our story we were before, but we seem to be heading down a new path and we may never find our way back to where we were when we were interrupted. That's all right. Sometimes that happens. If we are lucky then we may no longer wish to return to our point of origin. I think. They say you can never go home again, but what they mean is that the 'you' that was you before has changed and if you do return home you aren't the same 'you' you were when you left. And you may no longer want those things you were after when you return to where you were before. As this short interlude ends you may find that you no longer want to continue on this literary journey. That is fine. You have grown some since you started reading this chapter. You may do as you wish.

The Krampening

The Krampus camps out
about this time of year.
When the snow snows down all around
and the land is, supposedly, bathed in cheer.
While many slumber like lumber
waiting a jolly arrival
and general merriment
to mark the season's festive festivities,
some cower in fear
because they know the Yule Demon draws near
and no one can help them,
soothe them, or even shed a tear.

Sweltering Through the Summertime Blues

 Sweat beaded on Jiggley Wiggley's forehead. Somewhere under all that hair. Somewhere way, way down, under all that hair. You wouldn't know to look at him but he was drenched. Jiggley was sweating his way through the summer. And he was anything but blue. If you know then you know.

So sweat and hair and fur and an endless supply of summer intermingled the possible and the probable with the only slightly interesting and birthed a mistake that might make for a tale as old as time. Or at least as old as a mistake you made last week and almost forgot about due to one too many double chocolate sundaes. And who wouldn't forget something after a double dose of brain freeze and a sugar induced comatose-like trance? Well, maybe it was more than just the chocolate sundaes, but that is a story for another day.

So Jiggley was to set himself upon an adventure that would slay the mighty blues where they stood, rooted in his future, obstructing his path to fun. A facedown with the faceless. A standoff with the legless. An effort pitting our intrepid hero against the formless nothing that had grown to a mighty height fueled by the combined boredom of millions. Tasked against the taskless, could Jiggley triumph over nothing?

The keys to success are often just a plan, they aren't really keys at all. This thought wrestled with Jiggley as he planned to defeat the blue monster that was pressing down on everyone. He would need a tool as real as the keys themselves. Which was not real at all, but would be very useful nonetheless. And he did have one thing in mind.

It so happened that one holiday season Jiggley had made a wish for something that was not something but that also was useful. He was trying to win a wager with a wish for something that could not exist. While he was sure he had scored the gambit at the time, being granted a gift of nothing, he was now quite aware that a certain bearded northern stranger may have snookered him after all. Jiggley did not like being snookered. Hoodwinked he could live with. Bamboozled was acceptable. But snookered? That would require satisfaction. At a later date. A much later date. 

For now, Jiggley made use of the be-jingled bag that he kept under his lost socks and removed the wished for gift that was neither something nor useless. His hands filled with a sensation that was somewhat familiar, a kind of warmth and excitement that he had not felt all summer. A feeling he had not felt since the end winter. He knew that the one thing that could defeat this sloth was growing larger by the second. It was surely an unstoppable beast of its own and it would undoubtedly obliterate the great blue doldrum that had ruled over this long hot summer and free his friends from their torpor.

Potential.

Extraterrestrialism and the Unbearable Boredom of Being Jiggely

Was he born under a bad sign or just a misread constellation?  That question always confounded Jiggley Wiggley. He could never tell the two apart. After all, a bad sign could be attributed to a misinterpreted reading, but how many mystics ever copped to misreading a star or two? And tea leaves weren't to be trusted - there was simply too much wiggle room left at the bottom of the cup.

The irony was not lost on him.

So, be it a bad sign or a misread star, the reason Jiggley was most mistrustful of things from space was due to an extraordinary encounter of the worst kind. Now we all know that aliens have been among us for many millennia.  Aliens have had an impact on the planet for so long you wouldn't be able to separate alien events from that of normal human events. Many times alien influences came after a monumental human invention. Such is the case of the automatic bread slicing machine, which was gifted to mankind after the invention of peanut butter. For obvious reasons. But now is not the time to get into peanut butter sandwiches, because if we were talking about peanut butter sandwiches then Jiggley would be the jelly in our story. And we don't want to get started on jelly. 

Not today.

Let's just say that when one cosmically challenged star gazing mystic misread a stray satellite, it prompted a global warning across the terrestrial plane that attracted the attention of even the most apathetic astrologist, and even a astronomer or two. And that is where our story gets interesting. Because a wayward satellite is of very little interest to an astrologist, but a wayward star is a very interesting matter indeed to an astronomer. Now Jiggley Wiggley, like most people, often confused the two professions - they both look at the stars and use a lot of big words, and neither seem to work for a living. So when a member of the International Volunteer Astronomers Guild appeared in the television to report that a heavenly body might crash into the earth Jiggley absently turned the channel because he had no interest in his future, lucky numbers, or what was on the cusp of who. 

So he missed the warning.

While it is true that UFOs exist, just as UAPs have been confirmed as long as man has had the ability to look up in the sky and wonder "Is that a bird?" it is not always true that those sky peepers are necessarily correct in their excitable conclusionary reports.  Flying discs, frisbees, hubcaps, and paper plates have found more than fifteen minutes of fame on the magic box, mesmerizing millions of mostly mundane house husbands and spoiled, lazy cats. It was among this constant noise that a true warning went out across the airwaves - life on another planet had been confirmed via radio wave. But that story was not as exciting as the appearance of a lonely cryptid emerging from a saucer in Siberia seeking a mate.

Besides, they were very far away.

 

 

Cupid is Stupid

Roses are red 

and violence is too 

the cherub uses a bow 

to stick it to you

Krampy Claus

Here comes Krampy Claus

Here comes Krampy Claus

Yeah he's coming your way

he's got a bag of rocks and sticks

he's going to break some eggs

maybe you've been bad or not so good

you're probably going to lie,

he doesn't care about what you say

cause Krampy Claus is coming tonight

Here comes Krampy Klaus

Here comes Krampy Klaus

Look he's coming today!

he's got rocks and sticks and stones

he's gonna deliver some pain

maybe you're bad or not so good

you're probably going to lie

he doesn't care about what you say

cuz Krampy Klaus will judge you to-night!

From the Yule-time songbook Oh, Krampus - Christmas Tunes to Make You Swoon

Christmas Bumps in the Night

Christmas bumps in the night,

maybe its reindeers, or Santa - all right!

But the things in your head

quickly turn into dread

Because Krampus may be visiting you tonight!

Jiggley Wiggley and the Snowing

When the snow fell out of the sky Jiggley Wiggley became concerned. He knew that somebody would eventually come looking for it. Jiggley had read somewhere that no two snowflakes were alike, and that meant each flake of snow is one of a kind. If eBay taught him anything it was that one of a kind things were very valuable. And that many one of a kind snowflakes must be very valuable indeed! 

At first Jiggley thought he would hide all the snow. He began sweeping it away, scooping it up by the shovel and dumping it in the trash, and eating handfuls of it (when no one was looking, of course). But it didn't take long until Jiggley grew tired. And he realized the snow was not going to stop anytime soon.

Maybe the snow had no idea it was not welcome in his yard,  he thought. Maybe if he put up a sign the snow would land someplace else. Really, he didn't care where it went, just as long as it wasn't his yard. Jiggley Wiggley didn't want it's owner to come to his house looking for all that priceless snow. 

But the snow paid no mind to his sign. It just kept falling. And piling up. And soon Jiggley became worried.

Jiggley noticed that as the snow fell on him it would begin to melt. That gave him an idea! If the snow would not stop falling and piling up in his yard then he would melt all the snow. He did not ask for it, and if it melted then it would simply be gone. Then, even if the owner did come looking for it he would not find any in Jiggley's yard. 

So Jiggley got a hair dryer and many extension cords and began melting all the snow. And if you look outside you may still see him out there.

Gift ideas

Jiggley Wiggley and the sudden appearance of an unexpected visitor, or, The Thing That Happened When

When our hero realizes the thing that happened when he was too late to do anything about it. That's when you know there's going to be trouble of some sort.

Well, when Jiggley Wiggley realized it was too late to do anything he about it, he did what you would expect someone to do when there was nothing a reasonable person could do - he made a plan. Sure, the plan wasn't well thought out. How could it be? He barely realized there was a problem a few sentences ago. 

So he made a plan and phoned a friend, and soon he set out to correct the thing that was causing the problems that he barely realized was a thing in the last paragraph.  Oh that Jiggley! Such a plan was made! In all the history of plans, his was the planiest! His plan was so planned that by the time he was done he simply called it The Plan. And he shared it with his friend.

So now they had a problem, and a plan to deal with that problem. It was all coming together. Soon, he would launch his plan into action, with the help of his friend, and the two of them would most assuredly reach that fabled place - the conclusion.

Now, many people have been been to that place before them.The conclusion. Jiggley had heard many stories of successful heroes, striving against all odds, persevering through many harrowing tasks and avoiding story-ending pitfalls. But it is one thing to read about someone else's journey, it is quite another to undertake one of your own. And how would he know when he got there? When the heroes in his stories finally won the day, he would know it because the book would be out of pages. On the last page they would always arrive at that fables place: completion. But his life was not a story book, and the only pages he had were the ones which he had written The Plan on. And there was nothing after that.

The Gruelings theme song

We're the Gruelings
Yeah the Gruelings 

When your life gets you down
and they run you out of town
and you know you never knew you were the worst. 

Then you find a pick me up
and you start to turn around your luck
and now you know they never knew you from the first. 

Yeah we're the Gruelings
We're the Gruelings
and that's the way we go

Yeah we're the Gruelings.
Yeah we're the Grueling
and this here's our show

 

 

Life is hard

sometimes its mean

life can be good 

and in-between

 

and if you try 

to persevere

you can join the Gruelings  

for a bit right here!